I'm Not Dying, I'm Learning to Live
by L0V3 4 wRiting xo
Summary: Ruthie was still young when she was diagnosed with cancer. Now she returns to see the one person she has always love before she dies. Please R&R! rating has changed becasue of language
1. New Lives

**disclaimer: I don't own 7th Heaven**

_Your whole entire life you can go thinking you have a lifetime to live. Then poof. It's all gone, just like that. _

As Martin woke up early Monday morning he rolled over in bed enough to see the time. It was only eight A.M. He thought as he sat up. His laptop was sitting at the foot of his bed from the night before. As he got out of bed he stepped over a high pile of papers and an old coffee mug until he was out of the room. In only boxers he walked into his kitchen and started to make coffee, just like he did every morning. As the fresh coffee spilled into the glass cup he made his way into his room once again and grabbed his normal suit from it's hook. His morning had become a steady routine.

After Sandy took all custody of their child, his whole life went downhill. His baseball career had gone up in smokes and he had lost all contact with the family that was like his own. He hadn't heard or seen the the Camden's in over ten years. He was now thirty-two years old. He was the manager of a new internet site which had beat Amazon and Ebay combined in merchandise for sale.

As he poured the last bit of the coffee into his plain gray mug he grabbed his car keys and made his way out the door. He walked down to his black BMW and got into the car. Just like every morning of his life.

"Well hello there Mr. Brewer," Maggie, one of his co-workers said flirtatiously as Martin walked into his office. Him and Maggie had, had an on again off again relationship ever sense they met.

"Hey Maggie," Martin said focusing on the doors they were approaching, trying to ignore Maggie's quite revealing V-neck sweater.

"You didn't call me last night," Maggie said looking up at Martin.

"Sorry I must have forgotten," Martin said as they reached the doors.

"Yea right," Maggie said laughing. Martin grabbed the door handle and held it open for Maggie as she walked through.

"Thanks," she said. "Anyways I was wondering if you wanted to go out for drinks tonight,"

"Sounds good to me," Martin said.

"Great," Maggie said smiling.

"See you tonight then," Martin said as Maggie turned on her heel to walk away.

Martin kept on walking until he reached the point where he needed a badge to be able to pass. As he looked up to scan his badge he stopped dead in his tracks. There standing in front of the card scanner and security guards was Ruthie.

"Thought I might find you here," Ruthie said smiling.

"Oh my God," Martin said smiling back at her. He pushed back his brief case that was around his neck so Ruthie could hug him. After the quick embrace they pulled away.

"Wow, I cannot believe you're here," Martin said happily.

"I know, it's been way to long," she said.

"Well I'm not supposed to be at work for another hour or so, so what do you say we can go grab some breakfast or something and catch up," Martin offered.

"Sounds great!" Ruthie said smiling. Martin nodded as they started walking back out of the office building. Ruthie slipped her jacket back on before they walked into the cold winter air of New York.

"God, I love how New York looks before Christmas, it's so beautiful," Ruthie said looking up at the tall building surrounding her, most of which were decorated with snowmen and santas and flashing lights.

"Ya," Martin said glancing around as well. They walked a little further before they reached the diner.

"Well here we are, I love this place," Martin said smiling as they reached the door. Ruthie smiled as she walked trough the open door. Ruthie took her seat in one of the booths by the window looking out onto the busy streets of New York.

Martin handed her the menu that was already on the table when they arrived.

"So what's been up with you?" Ruthie asked Martin closing the menu and placing it in front of her.

"Well after Sandy took all custody of Aaron...," Martin began.

"Oh no! That's terrible," Ruthie said, sympathetic.

"Yea it was, but I started my own business..." he began once again.

"Yea when I heard you were the founder I could have died... I could believe it!" Ruthie said enthusiastically.

"yup... you just about said it all," Martin said laughing. Ruthie laughed along with him.

"What can I get for ya'll today?" the waitress asked them.

"I'm just going to get some coffee," Martin said and then looked over at Ruthie.

"Chocolate chip pancakes with whipped creme," Ruthie said. Martin was a little surprised and twenty-nine year old woman would order chocolate chip pancakes but he shrugged it off and moved on.

"All right it'll be out soon," the waitress said smiling.

"Thank you," Ruthie said smiling right back at her as she passed her the menus.

"So what about you?" Martin asked once the waitress had left. "What have you been up to all these years?"

"I got married," Ruthie said.

"Really?" Martin said surprised.

"yea, it didn't last though, we got divorced a year later," Ruthie said.

"Oh well, I'm sorry," Martin said with a touch of sympathy in his voice.

"No don't be, he was a jerk, everyone hated him," Ruthie said.

"oh," Martin said.

"Well anyway, after that I started fresh and I opened my own daycare," Ruthie said smiling.

"Wow," Martin said.

"Yea it's great, I love the kids," Ruthie said with that smile still on her face.

"So I really don't want to be rude but why did you come?" Martin asked. Ruthie smiled awkwardly and then looked down at the ground.

"Have you ever seen the movie _A Walk to Remember _I know it's a chick flick but..." Ruthie began.

"Yea, my girlfriend in college made me watch it," Martin said laughing a little.

"Well do you remember the scene where Jamie told Landon that he had to promise not to fall in love with her?"

"Ya..." Martin said confused.

"You need to make that promise to me," Ruthie told him.

"What... Ruthie..." Martin said in shock.

"Please, just do it," she said.

"Okay... I promise not to fall in love with you..." Martin said feeling extremely awkward.

"Good," Ruthie said.

"But what does that have to do with why you're here?" Martin asked. Ruthie hesitated before she answered. She looked heartbroken as she stared out the window at the inflatable santa that was sitting in front of the shopping center.

"Ruthie..." Martin said. It took all the courage Ruthie possessed to get the words out of her mouth.

"I needed to see you before I died,"

**It's a start. I personally don't think it's my best. Depending on how many people like it I may take it down and re write so it's a little more romantic and dramatic but anyway... tell me what you think!**


	2. Saying Goodbye

**Disclaimer: I don't own 7th heaven**

"Before you what?" Martin said, not believing what he had just heard.

"I have breast cancer," Ruthie said giving Martin a weak smile, "The doctors have given me a year to live,"

"But they have cures for breast cancer, you can live, you can get treatment!" Martin said. But Ruthie only shook her head

"It had spread through my bloodstream to much when they had found it... I can't be..."

"no.. NO!" Martin said standing up now and yelling, slamming his hands down on the small table in front of them.

"Martin..." Ruthie said trying to calm him down.

"YOU CAN'T GIVE UP RUTHIE!!" He yelled.

"I'm not giving up," Ruthie said, her hazel eyes filled with tears.

"YES YOU ARE!" everyone in the restaurant was staring at them.

"Martin..." Ruthie attempted once again. Martin didn't say anything back to her. All he did was simply turn around and storm out of the restaurant. As he slammed the glass door behind him the bell rang bringing all eyes that weren't on them already, to stare at the two. Ruthie glanced around at all the people that were staring at them and gave them a quick smile. Then quickly reached for her purse, placed a twenty dollar bill down on the table, and then left the Diner as well. As she stepped out into the cold september air, she realized Martin was already long gone. The only thing Ruthie had left to do was walk to the nearest Metro, and take a train back to her hotel, where she could pack up her things and leave. She had done what she had come to do. She had said goodbye.

Up until now Ruthie had lived her life as a risk. When anyone would try to stop her from sleeping with some random guy even though she was married, or from drinking to much, or even just about running a red light, Ruthie would always tell them "Life's too short to not shake things up a little," that was her life. Until now. The day she discovered the lump in her right breast was the day her entire life went down hill. She sold the daycare she once loved. She moved out of her expensive apartment in Manhattan to a low price cottage in Connecticut. Her life had fallen apart. And now, she was dying. She was dying with out ever being able to live.

After leaving the Diner Martin didn't go back to work. Instead he went back to him apartment and sat on the ground in front of his plasma screen TV, with the news on and a bottle beer in his hand. He sat like that for hours. He wasted away his time watching the same news, over, and over, and over again. He had been sitting there for over seven hours when his doorbell rang. Martin, however, just sat there. The doorbell rang, again, and again until finally the door was opened to reveal it was Maggie standing behind it.

"What the hell happened to you?" she said throwing Martin's spare key on the kitchen table.

"It's good to see you too Maggie," Martin said trying to stand up, without falling.

"Your drunk," Maggie said looking over at the tipsy Martin.

" no shit," Martin said walking over the the fridge where he began to get another beer. But instead, Maggie grabbed it out of his hand and took it for herself.

"Thanks," Maggie said.

"That wasn't for you," Martin said.

"Hey, I'm not even tipsy, I need beer, you don't" Maggie told Martin. "So can I ask why your watching CNN and you have a bunch of empty beer cans around your TV?"

"Bad day," Martin said, not wanting to go into detail. Maggie nodded.

"So do you still wanna go to that bar we were planning on going to tonight before I got drunk at home?" Martin asked.

"nah," Maggie said shaking her head.

"Then why did you come here?" Martin asked as he sat down on his couch.

"Oh I think you know why I came here," Maggie said with a flirtatious smile on her face. She sat her beer down on the kitchen table and then walked over to martin. She bent over and started kissing him very passionately. She climbed into Martin's lap and started to reach up his shirt.

"Maggie..." Martin said pulling away from her.

"What? is something wrong?" Maggie asked, her hands still up Martin's shirt.

"We can't..." Martin started.

"Well I never thought Martin Brewer would ever say no to sex," Maggie said climbing off Martin's lap and back to the spot beside him on the sofa.

"It's just..." Martin was interrupted when the doorbell rang. He started to stand up to answer it. "It's been a long day and..."

Martin stopped in the middle of his sentence when he saw the note on his door step. It was in an envelope that said "_To Martin. With love, Ruthie," _

"Martin?" Maggie asked. "are you okay?" Martin opened up the note and began to read the letter.

_"After what happened this morning I doubt I will ever see you again, So this is goodbye. But I needed to tell you something before I left this earth, I love you. And I have always loved you. But I know you don't feel the same way. Please don't regret anything that has ever happened between us. And please don't come after me. It's too late for that. I'm already gone. I'm sorry if I've hurt you in anyway, And please forgive me. I hope one day I'll see you again, wherever I end up. _

_Goodbye Martin,_

_Ruthie"_

"Oh my God," Martin said quietly.

_"_what is it?" Maggie asked.

"I've gotta go... I've got to... I need to..." Martin couldn't even finish his sentence. All he did was grab his jacket and walk out the door.

"Martin! What the hell are you doing?" Maggie asked him.

"You can stay here, sleep here, I don't care," Martin said before he closed the door behind him.

As Ruthie sat on the train on the way back to Connecticut she realized for the first time since she was diagnosed with cancer that she would be leaving this world, never to come back. When she signed her name at the bottom of that letter and said goodbye it was when she really realized that this was the end, here she was, not even thirty-years old. She had made a will and she was forced to tell everyone goodbye. Ruthie had always believed God had a plan for everyone. But, where did this fit into his plan? Why would he take an innocent woman and kill her? Make her family suffer? Make her suffer? Faith was something Ruthie had lost along with the cancer. And now she had lost love too.

When she arrived back to Connecticut she called a cab to take her home. The cab dropped her off in front of her long, lonely driveway. She made the long walked up the steep hill until she reached the front porch. She looked for the spare key she kept under the doormat, but to her surprise it wasn't there. Instead, she fumbled around in her purse until she found her key. She opened to door and walked into her living room throwing her duffel bag down on the couch. She started to take her jacket off but then she froze dead in her tracks. There standing in her living room was Martin.

**I was going to add on to this but I decided the stuff I was going to add on made it way to long. So I'm pretty much done with the next chapter other than a few correction I need to make. Sense I'm off school for another week and a half I will probably get most of my stories updated! Happy Holidays & please Read and Review!! **


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